Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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