I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
