Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hippo gnu deer
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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