i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
