Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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