I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
