I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
