Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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