I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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