"it" just moved
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize