I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
