grandma shit on top of the toilet
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
