We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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