Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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