party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize