So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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