I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
