I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
