Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
