I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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