your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
