Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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