she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
