I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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