Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
