i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
