Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
