new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
