I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
