I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
