i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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