eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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