I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
