I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
