i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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