I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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