my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
