I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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