im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
