Swine flu. Run for my life!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
