Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize