i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
