i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
