juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
