I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
And then he peed in my hair
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