I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
