He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
