I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
