At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
