I hate your face
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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