I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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