if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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