She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
