If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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