i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
