I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
