She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My pussy is not your playground.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
