when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
