a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
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